the weeks after I saw the video.. I guess I reflected.. I saw my weird blinks.. One never closed all the way, and they blink at different times... ? it was way weird for me to see the first time. But, I've been continuing to accept myself over and over, and its sticking more. I recently realized that I could fully look at myself in the mirror and say I love myself. And fully mean it, and fully feel it and that those words cant even explain the feeling. But that took a lot.. Some time ago.. I couldn't really say it. At all. I knew that I would be lying if I said it. I was so sad. That me still creeps in sometimes, and its scary, and I know how horrible that other me often would feel.. But.. I am okay. I can still smile now, and mean it.
a Video Portrait by Particle Dots
A few weeks ago I participated in Bryn's series of portrait videos. It consists of about 2 minutes of someone staring into the camera at a high frame speed, and when played its a slow gradual still portrait. it's an interesting idea.. Some of the portraits are really nice, I remember one of a lady who smiled during hers, not the entire time.. but it was nice to see a smile. I thought that when it came to be my turn that I would think of so many things while I was looking into nothing towards bright lights. But I mostly just kinda zoned out or meditated in a way, I was just breathing, and holding a stare.. for some reason I didn't come off very natural, it was like I was doing a job, and it was to not look away. My eyes were kinda burning at the time.. towards the end, I had my contacts in (when I still could.. for about an hour).. and they did what uncomfortable contacts do, dry sting-y. Anyway, towards the last closing seconds during the fade out, my facial expression slowly turned into a full smile. I misssed that part the first time I watched the video, from my iphone (that my dad pays for). But I looked at it again this morning, and I saw the smile. And it made me smile.